It’s been a while since I’ve blogged. There’s no one single excuse. I’ve been busy with challenges & struggles & with joys. However lately I have been wondering, when does a person know when too much is too much; and is it different for everyone, or are we all unique with an independent overdrive button when we shut down? I don’t really know the answer to that question. I’ve known abusers. I’ve known people who’ve lost loved ones to suicide. I’ve been beaten. I’ve been sexually abused. I’ve had my heart broken. I’ve broken hearts. I’ve been sick and injured, and yet I’m still standing and standing tall.
I do know that I’ve started to recognize my own limits and when too much is too much. Learning one’s personal tolerance level is both a blessing and a curse. What’s too much lately for me is:
The grassroots organizations trying to take control of our FL Supreme Court, a move that would return corruption to our State fullforce.
What’s too much are the hundreds of misleading politcal ads in this election year and the millions of advertising $ that could otherwise fund education, health care, eco-friendly research & development, feed the hungry, cure the sick. I can’t wait til the Election is over!
What’s too much is when you’re afraid those you love are selling themselves short and your paralyzed to prevent it.
What’s too much is when a man who worked hard his whole life learns he suffers from not one but two debilitating conditions, chronic & irreversible, robbing him of his golden years.
What’s too much is cancer that should be gone, after sacrificing organs and daily conveniences we all take for granted, just to learn that Cancer is more powerful and that it takes what it wants.
What’s Too much is watching people throw their futures away, and trying not to enable them, or follow their path, being lured by the allure of immediate gratification or an easy fix.
What’s too much is for the first time in my life feeling I want to exercise my right to bear arms. Because I’m getting older and slower and the thugs in this world are getting younger and faster.
What’s too much is watching people work their asses off day and night, never to get ahead, never to get recognized. And then to get reprimanded for bullshit.
What’s too much is watching the media panic at the slightest indication of a brewing storm, sending people into a flurry most often unnecessarily.
What’s too much is always having to worry that you arent good enough, that you will always disappoint someone, somewhere. Always knowing the world is full of prejudices. Knowing you can never do enough for everyone who expects it, and that everyone expects something.
What’s Too much is feeling normal, when maybe you’re crazy/or worse yet, realizing everyone has their own crazy and yours is no worse than anyone elses. I’m sorry I have my own mind and I’m not crazy, clinical or otherwise.
What’s Too much is when you realize the list of people you love and the list of people you trust, arent the same list.
What’s too much is when you can never give enough, or get enough. And when everything has a motive.
What’s too much is when you look in the mirror and see someone you don’t recognize. When did I get so old, and so fat? On the flip side, I think when did I get so beautiful and loving.
So then the question that begs to be answered, when is too much, too much?!
For me, I have not yet reached that limit. I might one day, but right now I’m still prepared to stand up for what I believe in and fight for what I need. I love my family, although many of them challenge my sanity regularly. I love my partner, with ups & downs, & losses we accept one another and share a history that only we understand and can truly respect its significance. I love my friends and dodge obstacles with many of them regularly, but also feel their love & support in times of need. And understand the disappointments I’ve been on the receiving end when they havent come through as promised repeatedly, I still love them. I love my pets who comfort me when everyone else let’s me down. I love myself in all my imperfections. I’m fatter than I should be. I limp like I’m 60. I joke like I’m 12. I’m tolerant and forgiving and accepting. I’m funny and friendly. I can be your best friend or your worst enemy, and I’m ok with that. I am my own Wonder Woman and I look forward to the joys life has yet to show me. The birth of an innocent child to a special friend of mine. The marriage of two special friends (and one day in the future the legalization of gay marriage). I look to a bright future of victories from some very brilliant nieces & nephews who let me know the future is to be a wonderful place. I am proud to stand with my head high. Turning the other cheek when I’ve been wronged or misled or lied to. I am responsible for noone’s actions but my own. So love me or hate me, I’m either enough for you, not enough, or I’m TOO much. That’s an individual choice – when is too much, too much? I’m not here to please you. You’re not here to please me. We’re just all in this together. All one. There will always be injustices prejudices hate partisanship jealousy disappointment and failures. There will always be those who love you, hate you, like you, disrespect you, respect you, see you as crazy, or admire you and see you as their inspiration!! Hold on to the good ones, the good times, and don’t give up too easily on the rest. For only you know, when you’ve had enough. And then, when you realize for you, what’s too much, it will hit you like a brick straight up in the face, BAM! and then, when it happens, be a good soldier and retreat with gracefulness. For your life moves with the beat of just one heart in your chest (yours)! And for God’s sake, start seeing the humor in life and drop your wall, life is serious, but there is such a thing as too serious! Case in point, too much of anything can be too much. Moderation is the key, and flexibilty. Roll with the punches, or I’ll punch you myself! Peace.