Midlife crisis – woman

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As the SuperBowl grows nearer (not that I could care less who wins this year) I can’t help notice the increase in male-driven advertising during these pre-SuperBowl shows. And it makes me wonder a question probably wondered by thousands of women for thousands of years. Why do men get mid-life crisis and we get menopause? I guess I never paid much attention before because 1) I’m gay so I don’t have a male partner whose looking for a fast car, an even faster woman and a dick so hard he could use it to drill fence post holes in the four hours he has the beauty of pretending he’s young again, and 2) I was never going through menopause so ugly and thick and so fucking obvious before!! If that sounds angry….it is.

Waking up every night in soaked sheets from menopause gives sleeping in the wet spot a whole new meaning. Notice I didn’t say appreciation. Dragging ass every day because the simple act of going to work is exhausting. Not to talk about the hormone spikes that send you from a raging angry Cybil to a tear-soaked emotional crybaby in a matter of minutes.

I gotta be honest with you, mid-life crisis seems easier, certainly more fun. And more accepted. And more appreciated and in more ways celebrated! So while I love being a woman and have loved it these past 50+ years, I think maybe it wouldn’t be so bad for the next few years so or to switch places, try it on for size. You know like you’re always used to buying an American made car, and you decide to give BMW a try. I’m thinking big here people. For us middle-class Americans, okay, think Kia.

My point is I’m sick of menopause and its silent and invisible symptoms that really noone understands, unless they’re either going through them just as bad or worse. So for a year or two, yes, I admit it, I wouldn’t mind worrying if I could sustain an erection at any given time, under any given circumstance, at least I would know I’d be thinking in the right direction and hoping to get to bed by 9:00 for some other reason than to crash, hoping to wake up energized.

Men you have it easy. I envy you. I’m jealous of you. Damn, I’m admitting I want to be you. It looks so easy. I’d even learn to carry some macho attitude if it’s what I needed to do. Shit, with my luck, SHAZAM, my wish would come true but I’d wake up and be Gomer Pyle!!!! Hey….at least I’d have skippped menopause, and would’ve kept my sense of humor! And hey…. I’d still be gay, proving once and for all it’s not a choice 🙂

Peace. Thanks for listening.

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Venting

When is it okay to vent about your partner or friends, and who is it okay to vent to!? Is there a proper ventilator!? Is that even a word. Family, friends, lovers, we all do it, but is it right, and how much is healthy vs inappropriate? All questions that have run thru my mind recently.

I have a treasured friend who moved away and when she lived here, close by, we would vent always, her included. But there came a point she became protective, guarded even defensive and shared less and less. Accordingly I followed suit. Now, what once was treasured conversations bringing great emotional comfort and solace, have become discussions of weather and public events. I can’t help feel a loss. But is that better!?

I hear venting from clients all day, I hear venting from family complaining about their jobs, kids, financial problems, health – and I in return vent about my issues. I find it clears the mind. But again how much is too much. Can the ventee always forgive & forget what she learns from the venter? Its a puzzle I’ve recently found a challenge. I listen, hear, advise, but don’t always purge. Am I supposed to completely purge?!

Is venting healthy? Or is it best left on the leather pressed couch of a psych professional? Tonight I was again tested. I came to the immediate defense of my friend (the venter) and as the ear receiving the information I found myself growing irritated, almost as irritated as the person who deserved the position of irritable. So how do we listen and care, without having it affect us, without having it alter the way we see someone? Or does it matter?

It may just be because Im in menopause and my moods are unpredictable. Hormones arent always our friends, they make us different people, even if only momentarily.

So I have to learn not to hold a grudge and when to listen and when to change the subject. More importantly I need to learn when to talk and when to shut up. Some people clearly don’t want to share their issues, cuz you know we all got em, I know I do. And in a friend, and in a partner, and in a family member I want the freedom to vent, I want the freedom not to be guarded. I have lived my life guarded, and I’m friggin sick of it. So if you piss me off I’m going to tell you, if you’re being creepy I’m going to tell you. And I expect and desire the same. I can count my friends on one hand. And to me that’s just perfect. The more guarded you are, the less interesting you are to me. But balance; I need to balance my emotional responses during these hormonal times so I don’t under or over react.

This week has been a roller coaster for me in so many ways. Regrets. Jealousy. Depression. Loneliness. Pain. Hope. Anger. Second-guessing myself. Pride. I hate those kind of weeks. They make 7 days seem like a month. I’m really proud of myself for turning the other cheek and letting the week marinate in its own juices without letting agitation make things worse. I’ve vented when necessary and I think appropriately. I’ve backed down and out when I felt my mood would sour the situation. I’ve listened, but have asked to be left out of the negativity when I feel its getting to me, causing me to be irritated at people who havent done the shit being vented about to me. Is there a way as caring and compassionate adults we can have healthy balanced relationships, or are we all destined to be a part of that 7th grader click with the common enemy?

Do scabs always leave scars? Pun intended. Are selfish people always self centered? Do nice guys really do finish last? You can’t fix everyone, and no one can fix you. So why do we even bother? It’s like flossing, it’s cleansing and whether you can see or feel the immediate results, it does help us in a vital way in the long run and its what makes relationships. The nitty and gritty. The daily sagas. Thats how you learn to love people, how you come to trust and respect people. So the conclusion I’ve drawn is vent, vent all you need and want. If the venting isnt shared, you’ll know the guarded person isn’t really a member of your inner circle. If you have family, friends, or a partner who always talks safe and nice, the relationship has much less depth than we as humans truly need. So….find that person or those few people with whom you can let your hair down with, and when you do, it will feel good, and it will shape your life in a beautiful way. With the right people, there’s no such thing as ‘too much’, rather, there’s really just ‘never enough.’

And sometimes the people you least expect will surprise you and become the person you can’t live without.

Peace.

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Love

Happy Saturday everyone. It’s been both a wonderful and an odd week. My heart has been filled with joys and with disappointments, even disappointments in myself. So if you feel the same, don’t worry you’re in good company. This week I learned a valuable lesson. I’m not invincible. Things can and do take me down. But…it’s important to love and forgive yourself along the way. So I make a little adjustment here and there, and as they so eloquently say ‘suck it up’and I move on. Still appreciating the blessings this life has given to me, and still after it all….loving myself as much because of my imperfections than in spite of them. Peace

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Age

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Merriam-Webster:
Main Entry: 1el·der·ly
Pronunciation: \ˈel-dər-lē\
Function: adjective
Date: 1611
1 a : rather old; especially : being past middle age b : old-fashioned
2 : of, relating to, or characteristic of later life or elderly persons
— el·der·li·ness noun.

Lately I have been thinking a great deal about age. And I keep remembering the term ‘growing old gracefully’, and it strikes me that little of that is under our control. Oh sure we can eat right, exercise, not smoke or drink in excess, but its inevitable we are growing old.

Anyway I’m obssessed with it at the moment. Perhaps its because my best friend just had a baby, or because my brother is soon to be a grandfather for the second time, or because my nephew and is Army platoon will soon be heading to the Middle East. I also live in Florida where we have more than our share of elderly. Whatever the reason I find it sad.

My own dad struggles with a long list of health challenges as he ages, and now lives on dialaysis 3 days per week, and I think of all the time wasted between us. I spent last night out to dinner with my partners parents and it saddened me to watch her dad shuffle barely able to make it without assistance, sitting next to him with his badly bruised and aging arms and body; time has been rough on him. I sit through dinner learning their neighbor, a man who was 80 but looked 60 who Unexpectedly had a major stroke, brain bleed, which stole his life out from under him, he’ll never return to the beautiful retirement home he built for himself. It makes me realize none of us know our future.

At fifty I know I’m not elderly, but I am getting old. I see it in my face, in my sight, in my memory, in my energy; like most others I’m in denial a bit, I don’t want time to tick away so fast….that one day I’m on my last tick.

For those of you with youth on your side, live your lives and fulfill your dreams!!! Don’t let fear or negativity or money or pain stand in your way. Find a way around it. Live. Love. Experience. Absorb.

For those of you with age and wisdom on your side, live a calmer and happier life because of the lessons you have learned along the way. Be more tolerant where warranted, and less where warranted. Don’t let work rule your life or time. It sounds cheesey but really do stop and smell the roses. Take time to live and love. Turn off the tv, cell phobe, ipad, kindle……go for a walk, see the stars, smell the ocean, talk to one another, make plans and don’t be afraid to dream. Our lives arent over, they’re just getting good. If we let them. Me personally I’m putting this into motion. The changes won’t be apparent to everyone, but they will be to me.

I want people to remember me. Not as a flag waving lesbian or rainbow sheep of my family, not as a short fat woman who never had children who grows old alone, not as a person with OCD who spends more time cleaning up than getting down and dirty. Instead, remember me as a compassionate and good hearted soul who valued laughter and the joy it can bring to others above all. In a life without reason, without explanation for some of the greatest cruel acts, when you don’t come from The Brady Bunch (all time fav tv show, fyi) a person can still find peace in being able to laugh at the rough shit, and cry through the sad shit, and has the power to make today’s shit less toxic. So, as we all age, bones and joints cracking, let’s laugh more and that small act in and if itself will make the rest bearable. This is advice from a girl who may not be so wise (or) who may be the wisest of all. Peace.

Beautiful experience.

Yesterday I had a beautiful experience. I witnessed life. And it wasnt just in the birth of an astoundingly beautiful baby boy. But the wonders & beauty of “life” all around me. From great determination and the conquering of fear as my bestie pushed past pain that so had scared her. I witnessed tenderness in a mother that I didnt know existed as I observed Connie comfort and support a daughter she had long ago chose to adopt at the most vulnerable time in that daughter’s life. I witnessed health care workers unjaded by their professions who truly cared about their patient, while remaining calm and in control of a situation. I witnessed tears of joy and relief. I witnessed elated excitement with the crowning of Micah’s little head and who would’ve thought that seeing a little bit of hair would become such a significant highlight of the day.

I also witnessed and was a part of a true support system and inner circle, and saw firsthand how important that is in life and to people. To belong. To have a secured place in the lives of others. To have purpose. There is no better feeling. There is no greater satisfaction than being called to service, and to stepping up. I was so thrilled to contribute laughter, encouragement and support and thank you ladies for the opportunity; it shall always remain one of the greatest days of my life.

On a political sidenote: In a world where gays and lesbians must fight for the very same rights granted to others by our Nation’s Constitution, I applaud Denise and Maryann for building a modern-day family. Your love and success in doing so supports the cause….that we are no different from anyone else. Our generation will affect the next, just as generations before us paved the road for human rights shared today. You two are now part of that history and your son will influence the people of his generation. Raise him with a kind heart, a stern and guiding hand, and let his dreams soar. He is our tomorrow.

I love the three of you, and am honored to be inside your circle

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New year new challenges

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It is indeed a new year. It is indeed the 17th of the month already. I have indeed made few changes in 2013 from 2012. But all is not forgotten or failed. I am commited to being different. I am commited to be larger in life and truer to myself. Last year I did one selfless act a month in all 12 months, some where visible, others quiet beacons of kindness. This year is my year.

This year I will love more. This cannot be done without hand-in-hand forgiving more.

This year I will appreciate the small moments, like the kiss from a long trusted canine friend (no matter how nasty her breath is), stopping to view the sunset, swallowing my pride, giving an unexpected compliment, the joy of reaching a friend when she is called and hearing her voice vs voicemail, the smell of fresh cut grass you didnt have to mow) and the sweet softness that shares a house a bed a heart.

This year I will take care of my body. It will never be perfect, but it can be stronger and better.

This year I will write. A long time passion too easily folded away in a drawer. This year I will write a book. It may be great, it may suck, but in it will be me, each page filled with my thoughts my imagination my unspoken words. Thank you Jack for inspiring someone you never met.

This year I will take less bullshit. This year I will hear less lies and give more sympathy, where it is deserved.

This year I will let children sweeten my world and let go of the bitterness left by another.

This year is going to be amazing. I am fifty (50) and Im never going to be fifty again, so this time is going to count and I will leave a mark of kindness on the world like a soft goodnight kiss and a tattoo of hope. Be yourself. Love and live in the spirit of who you are and who you aspire to be. No one will make you happy, that’s your job. And in this uncertain economy and in this world of uncertain times, it’s the one job you will never lose, so don’t lose sight of yourself. So Sharon, in case you forgot. I love you, you are amazing!

Peace.

Labor coach

Soon I will be inside a delivery room at a local hospital acting as a labor coach. I’m pretty excited (and a little scared), but totally looking forward to what I understand is a beautiful life experience. Never having been a coach, much less inside a delivery room, I’m not sure what to expect. I don’t know if I should start watching YouTube videos on birth, there certainly are enough of them, or just experience it as it happens? I’m grateful for the opportunity, just want to make sure I’m the most successful at it I can be. The parents-to-be aren’t kids and they have thought long and hard about their decision to have a baby; I just hope they thought equally as hard about their labor coach decision. It’ll be my first appearance on the field, and I’m starting as quarterback (ok, maybe a wide receiver, although I’d prefer to be a tight end) ha ha I crack myself up!!! Anyway, here’s to a great delivery and thanks to two special ladies for having faith in the rookie. I won’t let you down.

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