Jan and Feb can kiss ass

So far I’m not impressed with 2013, I think I have mentioned that, or maybe its not impressed with me. Whichever the case these first two months can kiss my rosey red behind. Less than a week to go til March, I can’t wait. I dont know what I did to piss the Gods off but I’m sorry, please send the black cloud elsewhere. I know I blogged last week complaining. So what now you decided to double up. Damn it.

I swear all the news I have heard in the past 8 weeks has been bad, at least 90% of it. Sick pets, dying people, dying dogs, break ups, unexpected expenses, fines, houses falling apart, employment problems, custody disputes, rehab, disease…..relationship problems, foreclosures and on and on and on. I’m hoping March brings news of someone I know winning the lottery, someone in my life getting an unexpected promotion, just something positive and nourishing for my soul. My dad used to say but for bad luck he’d have no luck at all. I’m beginning to think he might have been on to something and that the curse is genetic. Please bring me some good news some good luck, let my family and friends off the hook (and me too, pretty please) we all deserve to experience some of the brillance that life offers. No I take that back, which we’re promised!! It’ll be Spring soon: renew me. Peace.


Talent is undeniable

Sunday night I was fortunate enough to attend P!nk’s The Truth About Love concert at the Amway Center. It made me want to watch less TV and more VH-1, MTV and/or listen to Pandora. Raw talent and passion is stimulating and contagious; it opens the soul allowing us to see between the lines and feel the pain, joy and excitment of life. I havent been to a really great concert for years and P!nk did not disappoint. I found myself transported to a younger age, a freedom from
the daily shackles of a life half lived.

The age range and diversity of the audience proved the staying power of a skilled artist, remaining relevant while not losing the interest of fans like me who followed her 10-12 years ago. I can say from experience she’s grown with age and life experience. She’s also become a strong and compassionate woman, loving mother and dedicated wife not to proud to beg for a second chance at love. I have mad respect for this generous funny and engaging artist.

I cant even begin to explain the exhileration you feel as P!nk is sailing effortlessly through the air. Dazzle me with thrills and heart pounding music, touching a chord for me personally, and by the shear number in attendance, a woman and artist whose message is and continues to be heard by many. I Would see her again in the blink of an eye! Great show and great evening. Proving you can be 50 and still scream and hollar with childish excitment. Proving you dont have to drink to have fun at some swanky West Palm club, and that you dont always have to be a ‘proper lady’ to warrant respect and admiration. Rock on sistah, youre simply more amazing with each song, youre poetry is felt as it is heard. Peace

Mother May I

I was thinking today or better yet I was reminded of the fact that I have never had a mother. She didnt die. I wasnt adopted. I wasnt abandoned. I just wasnt fortunate in life, the woman whose womb housed me was cruel and selfish and despite bringing five children into the world, really didnt want any of them. I later had a step mother, but she too was cruel, just in a different way. No woman has known me like a mother would. No woman remembers my first step, the sound of my laughter or the sweet taste of my tears.

I guess I was thinking about it for several reasons. I work with women who appear from what I can see to be good moms, they are involved and engaged and their kids are a priority. I also have had the chance to observe a friend who recently became a mother closeup and personal, and I see what joy she finds in this new role. I also see how my biological mother’s lack of maternal instinct has shaped other siblings and in the way they feel about themselves and how they view or value love. It makes me wonder if my life wouldve been different with a mom and how. I wonder if it would have shaped my beliefs differently and if I wouldve had a family.

I remember growing up and wishing I were adopted or living in an orphanage. The way I saw it was I wouldve been able to dazzle someone somewhere into loving me and making me part of their family. But it never happened. Instead I was the byproduct of an unhappy marriage, and then the byproduct of another miserable marriage. It’s no wonder I longed but feared commitment.

Sometimes I wonder if my sexuality was shaped by my past, by the lack of a mother’s unique and unconditional love. I will never know the answer because I will never be able to turn back the clock. I wonder if she ever wishes she could turn back the clock. Probably not. She still lives and still nothing changes. Shes now a grandparent and its a title she holds, despite having no idea what the role typically involves.

John Mayer’s lyrics remind me, every son will become a father and husband. Every daughter will become a wife (partner/lover), its you ‘mom’ who shows her how and what to be. So for all you mothers out there, do your job, its more important than anything else you will ever do. You have the power in your hands and your heart really does hold the key to everything. Peace.


Time Time Time…is slipping


March is almost amongst us and that’s caused me to look at the first part of the year. Time flies. It’s been a strange few months, good and bad. Great highs and tremendous lows.

A good friend had a baby and it was a glorious event; I see it bringing her great happiness and bringing her family closer together. Another friend still struggles with the death of her premature baby’s passing. Life and death. Rhonda’s close coworker is losing his dad to cancer unexpectedly and quickly, and this week he found out he & his wife are expecting. Life and death.

A month from today I will be writing my blog from Vermont, where I will be spending the night at my brother’s home; a relationship I had almost given up on years ago. It’s funny how life unfolds and how small gestures can change and literally move mountains.

This year has, so far, been eye opening to me. On a personal note I’ve had two run-ins with the cops and realize I should’nt take so many things for granted. This year I’ve experienced great love and great loss, hanging on to feelings and relationships that aren’t always healthy; and I find it’s a curse for more than just myself in our family. We care too much sometimes. It allows us to be used. I will not be used and last year I did an awesome job of weeding past those habits. This year I will continue. And then there are the people who we don’t thank enough. So to those people ‘thank you’ for loving me and getting me. And for bailing me out of the shit I can sometimes get myself stuck in.

This year I have found a passion for writing. This year I have fostered a love of music and spend at least an hour a day immersed in it, and I have grown more fond of my appreciation of a peaceful existence. This year I have changed so many things I thought were unchangeable.

So, I wonder, are we all works in progress? Do others sit and ponder their lives, and their place in it? Or is it just me, OCD that I am, taking stock and inventory of where I am and where I’m going? Not for some master plan, but just for myself. It’s like cleaning your readers, in doing so it’s amazing what you’ll see.

We live our whole lives trying to survive. We live our whole lives looking for the perfect love. We work our whole lives saving to retire. It makes me wonder where’s the ‘living’??? I would give anything to have lived in a simplier time, a time less complex, where the basic simplicity of life & love wasn’t only enough, it was grandly cherished.

I’m far from perfect. And despite a changing complex world where we still find ourselves in senseless wars and people still fight for basic freedom & rights. I suppose that means the world mirrors me (and you) pictures of imperfection. As I examine the beginning of 2013 I find comfort in knowing you can indeed teach an old dog new tricks. How do I know? I’m an old dog, and this year I’m changing things, parts of me I have carried around for the past 40+ years. It may have taken a wakeup call, but at least I heard the alarm.

The moral of the story? Look at yourself. What do you see? Are you happy with what you see? It not, change it. Garbage in=Garbage out.

I believe every life we live there’s a lesson in it. Mine may be to trust more and be trusted more. I could certainly use a hot wax and detail on both.

The truth we can’t escape is that time Ticks on, and fast. So visit that old friend whose voice makes you smile. Talk more often to those you love. Smell the flowers and fertilize your personal garden. Make the changes you see are needed. Stop the behavior that’s pulled you down.

I’m challenging myself this year to make three major and life altering things about myself. I’m a month into one, and it feels good. I’m six months into a second, and while challenging, I’m still staying afloat. If I can do this, so can you. So don’t let the days turn into months turn into years. Today. Tonight. In this moment, be the best person you can be, the rewards are mindblowing. You may just find the greatest job you have is loving yourself, and that your most trusted and valued friend is none other than the same person. You. Walk proud and loud! Peace.

Bad luck

It’s only February 15 but already I can tell 2013 isnt going to be my year. Bad luck has found its way to my house and it lurks smirking at my front door.

I’ve never had particularly great luck, no winning lotto tix, no deceased rich family members coming out of the woodworks, no miracle cures, no stroke of beauty or grace. No, I’m 5’2″ of clumsy. However 2013 has shown me a whole new side of bad luck and it’s just six weeks into the new year.

I’m going to close my eyes, click my heels together, and hope I wake up into the shadows of someone else’s 2013. Cuz I don’t really like mine so far. Indeed its been an eye opening six weeks, and Already I’m saying ENOUGH already!!!

So please bad luck charms, black cats and sidewalk cracks, sorry if I somehow offended you. Grandest of apologies. Please return me to my simple uneventful life where things go right, I’m sorry if I’ve tempted faith. I really just want to live a peaceful life without a black cloud above my head. Pretty please. Peace.


South vs North

Its weekends like this Im glad I moved to Florida. While New Hampshire is buried in two feet of snow, Im trying to decide fresh air & slight breeze or A/C? I know, rub it in.

Honestly I dont know how people do it up North, I dont know how I did it. You dont realize how bad it was til you leave it for many years, then imagine going back to shovels and snowblowers; worst of all the big orange plows that keep building the barrier at the end of your drive with heavy wet thick walls of snow, just after youve spent hours digging out. No sir, I could never do it again. Fifty might be the new forty, but not with a shovel in hand.

I think thats why so many people in the South think Northerns are rude and bitter, its because the weather chills them. Of course those from Long Island have other excuses. But seriously, you cant wake up 4 months out of 12 in temperatures where you rejoice if its 30 degrees and not feel isolated and cold. Im watching the news coverage and that alone is making my teeth rattle.

I hate the heat. But I hate snow and ice and slush more!!! Today feels like a day to take the convertible out and celebrate that Im now a Southerner, transplant or not. It’s 75 breezy with blue skies and bright sun. For my family and friends in NH – VT sorry guys, but look on the bright side February is a short month!!!

I’ll be seeing everyone in VT in March and look forward to seeing a little (yes I said little) snow, maybe from a distant mountain range.


Breaking bad

Today I am.
Yesterday I was.
Tomorrow I will be.

I’m so hooked on this show, Normally Im not a huge crime show csi type fan, but the characters and story line in Breaking Bad has me captivated. I love a show where the nerd is badass and you wanna cheer the bad guy on. It’s a lot like real life, you never really know someone. Do you?

Anyway, for anyone who hasnt hit this show I give it a thumbs up. Not for children, but good adult indulgent fun.