And this is just for me

The perfect day.
Cotton sheets and soft soothing waves.
Warm glowing sun.
Rose petals. Soft skin.
Heart beats. Rhythm.
Laughter. Fingers entwined.
Me loving you. You loving me.
Time standing still. Thirst quenching bliss. The day I knew what it meant to be me.



Learning to share

As children we’re taught to share. As we mature the opportunity presents itself less, afterall most adults don’t share our friends, lovers, family or our toys per say, that’s why they are our families, our lovers, our homes, and our personal electronic devices. I don’t see families inter woven often, and one just has to go out to their local watering hole to see clicks of friends, “groups” “peeps”, I don’t see people loaning cars, lending their hands and skills to build, clean, renovate, I don’t see many people sharing their iPhones, iPads or Kindles (often multiple versions of the same thing are contained in even the smallest of households). I’m not sure why things change when we get older when it comes to sharing I just know it does.

In the spirit of childhood I’m going to bring back the art of sharing. If it seems weird at first, bear with me and give it a try yourself. Share your ideas. Share your money. Share your time. Share your talents. Share your friends. Share your possessions. Spread yourself thin, and see how fulfilled not only you will be, but others.

In this fast-paced me-oriented society we tend to overlook how valuable sharing is. We tend to stick to routines; keep with the same small group of friends; we don’t let others penetrate our piece of the pie. But what would happen if we stopped doing that? If we became free of expectation and didn’t take notice of all the stuff we consider ‘mine’.?

Would we find our friends all have more in common than we think? Would we find that sharing our wealths, sharing the things we love and hold dear leave us feeling empty and alone, or instead would it bring us great joy to see others in deep appreciation for what we’ve shared? Would we find our material items are merely just that-material? Would we find the iPhone a distraction rather than a tool? Would we find that giving and sharing opens us to being used by others, or instead opens us to generosity absent the expectation of thanks or appreciation? With Easter upon us I am reminded that with great sacrifice comes renewed birth. With Spring in the near distance I’m reminded of that rebirth, and the way in which our world renews itself so beautifully and so naturally. There is a reason for every season. Change is inevitable and renewing. Old patterns of thinking may not be good ways of thinking. Nothing belongs to us. We only exist in our own spirit, the rest is disposable.

So as you read this, for those who do, make yourself a more giving person, share the bounty that you’ve been blessed with. Hold people a little longer and a whole lot tighter; caress those in pain, for your touch penetrates deeper than their muscles; open your wallet when you can; take that trip you’ve been needing to spend time with those endeared to your heart; donate the possessions you really don’t need and begin to accumulate the things that really matter.

It’s with shame that I haven’t always followed this path, I’ve had occasion to be jealous and selfish. I am but human, imperfect. I am caused to remember that we are all different, and I share myself in a manner different from others. There is no right or wrong. Rather, I welcome the differences and embrace what and how others share. It’s a beautiful thing when one human can open theirselves, their body; their heart; their home and the things that encompass their existence and truly share them with each other in the purest of forms. Not just with our moms and dads, brothers and sisters, husbands and wives, but expanded outward to all. For you may find, the recipient needs it far more than you ever imagined! So touch the world and let the world touch you. There’s not one thing that’s sacred, it’s all sacred. Just as one person’s junk is another’s treasure. Everything you give and receive is a treasure to someone, helping them through a day, a night, a hard time or a lifetime. Give. Share. Take. Embrace. It’s wonderful to be touched and to touch others, so go out and surprise someone unexpectedly today and give!! Peace.


Sugar shack I love you

I’ve spent the past several days in the brisk winds of a Vermont winter, bundled up, seeing new sights and sharing sweet laughter of the heart. While my trip to Vermont has been short it’s reminded me that certain bonds, despite time, distance and difference can never be broken.

First, I love watching the next generation grow into unique and precious individuals. Thursday I arrived with a slight flight delay to be greeted by a brother whose strength and resolve is matched equally by his tenderness and strong sense of family. We spent a wonderful evening laughing about shared memories and I was comforted by the example he set for his family, in this throw away society how many marriages have sustained the seasons of commitment? Not many. He’s the golden boy of the family. And I don’t mean that in a sarcastic way, he truly has a charmed life. I loved spending time with my eldest niece and watching her in motherhood. She’s sweet and perfect, the mom every young child would be so lucky to have as a mommy. And a real Vermont farmer, a tradition nearly invisible to the mass number in our society but noble and humble and a stellar example of hard work and tenacity and value. I was in awe at the size of her heart watching her care for her daughter Natalie, nearly 9 months pregnant with her next born, and making it all look effortless. She’s been an outstanding daughter, wife, mother, teacher, and I’m not just prejudice because she’s my niece!!!

I also enjoyed spending time with my nephew who never ceases to amaze me by his goal oriented ways and the mountains he moves to accomplish those goals and achieve his dreams. What a great kid to call nephew. Handsome and strong to the outward world, he’s such a soft and gentle soul that it’s truly a blessing to know he’s my brother’s son ever watchful over my brother, a spirit that charges his family with love and warmth worthy of a Dickens novel. He’s getting married soon and the twinkle in his eye grows with every year that matures him into the fine young man he’s become.

This visit was the first time in many years when we’ve all had the chance to spend a little time together with my Dad. Despite whiter hair and a few more wrinkles we’re all still pretty much still the same. Sharing common ground and stories and experiences unique to our lives, the chapters that have filled our pages and our hearts. I wasn’t sad to sit thru dialysis because all of life is ever-changing and it’s all a part of a much larger picture. Rather, I savored the few sweet moments when I caught a glimpse of a father filled with pride and perhaps a touch of remorse when we strolled down memory lane. Sweet and bittersweet, the cobblestoned paths of our lives, our choices, our differences, but more importantly the intersections that wove us together in a crisscross journey few of us could have anticipated but one we’re better off for having taken.

The weekend is going by so fast, and yet still I’m getting so much in. Little things with big meaning. Sharing lunch at a favorite watering hole of Lee and Deb’s, shopping the quaint shops of Middlebury, and breathing in the fresh cold clean air has been like a spa for the mind and soul. Thank you guys for sharing some of the places and things you hold special. Visiting a sugar shack where getting there was half the fun. And the mountains, the terrain, oh how I love it so. Beauty beyond description. Rolling hills, dotted with farms and stories and legends, the true hidden gems locals probably pass daily with little regard for their significance.

It’s cool when you have the chance to spend time with your siblings in natural settings, it allows you to share their life, thru their eyes. Like going out with my sister and her friends, I see she has a safety net of people who’ve become important to her and who she’s made family. It was nice to know she’s not navigating the rocky waters alone. Not everyone is lucky like my brother, we don’t all find the right guy or gal and build a life, for some of us it takes longer, but I have to believe the rewards are just as sweet. Perserverance!! Thank you Meg for being a great friend to my sister, your presence in her life warms me like a sweet cup of cocoa on a blizzard like evening. Everyone needs that sense of calmness, clarity and acceptance.

Last night I enjoyed an Impromptu
Dinner with Brenda Brian and nephew Justin. I’m not entirely convinced a brilliant and popular high school senior didn’t have better places to spend a Saturday night, but here he was visiting his ole aunt and that made me smile. I love it when I can make him laugh. He’s often so serious and soft spoken, and smart as a whip, but it’s nice to see him laughing at the silly shit and it made me happy he came. In the Fall he’ll be off away at college and his life will be finding new paths, the familiar will fade and these moments we treasure now will become memories we later reminisce about. You ever have a feeling you can see the future? This kid is going places, in the quiet chambers of his mind lurks a genuis and I think he’s going to make us all proud one day by being the next Oliver Stone or Steve Jobs!!! Still waters run deep. So grab a life jacket and enjoy the ride!

Today it’s Palm Sunday, I haven’t decided if I’m going to church or not, mostly because I still have another 15+ hours to squeeze in some more time with family in this whirlwind visit. I look forward to playing with the youngest apples of my eye Nic and Analise, two of the cutest God children <3.

It's so deliciously wonderful to see them grow and change, no longer babies but their own personalities and thoughts and mannerisms, it's like seeing mini versions of ourselves as kids and allows us the pleasure of remembering the sweet innocent moments of our own childhoods. I can't wait to watch them run and play. Cousins. Cuteness personified!! What a great way to end my trip. Who doesn't love the echo of a child's giggle, uncontrollable joy-priceless.

I miss home and the warm hearts in Florida that make my life sweeter and fuller, but I'm having an awesome visit and am enjoying every hour. And with that said I need to steal a few more hours of sleep so I can be ready to tackle another day with full appreciation of how important these days and hours are, knowing today shapes tomorrow, and that all of our 'yesterdays' are forever gone, but for a memory that you hold the key to its definition and design. Peace!


Scam or legit?

I havent had a chance to blog for a while. My back’s been bothering me; my dog needed $1300 surgery, water heater shit the bed, and luck just hasnt been on my side lately. However I was surprised recently when I received an unknown email to my work account from the admin of a wirdpress blog I follow. The blog is funny and occasionally makes me laugh and engages my mind in reflection & thought—I was surprised that the author (alleged author) of that blog was writing to ask me for money. I don’t know if the request was legit or scam, I hope it was the latter, orherwise it was in poor taste. What has the world come to that we’re all looking over our shoulders to avoid the next creep trying to screw us over!? It made me angry, then sad. I enjoy but a few blogs and I’m less than what I’d call an Internet guru, but can’t a person engage with others in mutual conversation and interests without the fear or threat of being scammed? I mean really!!!

So I’m back to blogging and I’m bringing nothing but my typing finger and leaving my wallet securely at home. Not that there’s anything in it anyway. Peace & Love.

Jan and Feb can kiss ass

So far I’m not impressed with 2013, I think I have mentioned that, or maybe its not impressed with me. Whichever the case these first two months can kiss my rosey red behind. Less than a week to go til March, I can’t wait. I dont know what I did to piss the Gods off but I’m sorry, please send the black cloud elsewhere. I know I blogged last week complaining. So what now you decided to double up. Damn it.

I swear all the news I have heard in the past 8 weeks has been bad, at least 90% of it. Sick pets, dying people, dying dogs, break ups, unexpected expenses, fines, houses falling apart, employment problems, custody disputes, rehab, disease…..relationship problems, foreclosures and on and on and on. I’m hoping March brings news of someone I know winning the lottery, someone in my life getting an unexpected promotion, just something positive and nourishing for my soul. My dad used to say but for bad luck he’d have no luck at all. I’m beginning to think he might have been on to something and that the curse is genetic. Please bring me some good news some good luck, let my family and friends off the hook (and me too, pretty please) we all deserve to experience some of the brillance that life offers. No I take that back, which we’re promised!! It’ll be Spring soon: renew me. Peace.

Talent is undeniable

Sunday night I was fortunate enough to attend P!nk’s The Truth About Love concert at the Amway Center. It made me want to watch less TV and more VH-1, MTV and/or listen to Pandora. Raw talent and passion is stimulating and contagious; it opens the soul allowing us to see between the lines and feel the pain, joy and excitment of life. I havent been to a really great concert for years and P!nk did not disappoint. I found myself transported to a younger age, a freedom from
the daily shackles of a life half lived.

The age range and diversity of the audience proved the staying power of a skilled artist, remaining relevant while not losing the interest of fans like me who followed her 10-12 years ago. I can say from experience she’s grown with age and life experience. She’s also become a strong and compassionate woman, loving mother and dedicated wife not to proud to beg for a second chance at love. I have mad respect for this generous funny and engaging artist.

I cant even begin to explain the exhileration you feel as P!nk is sailing effortlessly through the air. Dazzle me with thrills and heart pounding music, touching a chord for me personally, and by the shear number in attendance, a woman and artist whose message is and continues to be heard by many. I Would see her again in the blink of an eye! Great show and great evening. Proving you can be 50 and still scream and hollar with childish excitment. Proving you dont have to drink to have fun at some swanky West Palm club, and that you dont always have to be a ‘proper lady’ to warrant respect and admiration. Rock on sistah, youre simply more amazing with each song, youre poetry is felt as it is heard. Peace

Mother May I

I was thinking today or better yet I was reminded of the fact that I have never had a mother. She didnt die. I wasnt adopted. I wasnt abandoned. I just wasnt fortunate in life, the woman whose womb housed me was cruel and selfish and despite bringing five children into the world, really didnt want any of them. I later had a step mother, but she too was cruel, just in a different way. No woman has known me like a mother would. No woman remembers my first step, the sound of my laughter or the sweet taste of my tears.

I guess I was thinking about it for several reasons. I work with women who appear from what I can see to be good moms, they are involved and engaged and their kids are a priority. I also have had the chance to observe a friend who recently became a mother closeup and personal, and I see what joy she finds in this new role. I also see how my biological mother’s lack of maternal instinct has shaped other siblings and in the way they feel about themselves and how they view or value love. It makes me wonder if my life wouldve been different with a mom and how. I wonder if it would have shaped my beliefs differently and if I wouldve had a family.

I remember growing up and wishing I were adopted or living in an orphanage. The way I saw it was I wouldve been able to dazzle someone somewhere into loving me and making me part of their family. But it never happened. Instead I was the byproduct of an unhappy marriage, and then the byproduct of another miserable marriage. It’s no wonder I longed but feared commitment.

Sometimes I wonder if my sexuality was shaped by my past, by the lack of a mother’s unique and unconditional love. I will never know the answer because I will never be able to turn back the clock. I wonder if she ever wishes she could turn back the clock. Probably not. She still lives and still nothing changes. Shes now a grandparent and its a title she holds, despite having no idea what the role typically involves.

John Mayer’s lyrics remind me, every son will become a father and husband. Every daughter will become a wife (partner/lover), its you ‘mom’ who shows her how and what to be. So for all you mothers out there, do your job, its more important than anything else you will ever do. You have the power in your hands and your heart really does hold the key to everything. Peace.