Tick Tock

They say time waits for no one. This year more than others has shown me this to be true. I cant believe its already May and Im on the backside of 50, in just 2 months I will be 51. The year has flown by like an early morning songbird, sucking the sweet nectar of freshly bloomed flowers. Its been a grand year. I have been reminded that love is what you make of it. That Life has hidden treasures. And one finds them in the smile of their friends. And in the touch of your lover. In the warmth of a summer breeze. In the sweet furballs that pounce amongst your floors, tails wagging. All around me I feel warmth and love, I see life becoming what its meant to be. I understand more than I should, I see behind the mask we all wear.

Time moves both fast and slow. We must remember that time is a constant we all share, hour for hour, its an equalizer. Time is the same for us all.

Some of us get more of it, some of us waste it. But an hour is the same sixty minutes for us all. A month is but a month. Time is always unfolding for each of us. I wish people used their time better. Too many people work too much, too many people work too little. If I had one wish it would be for each of us to have a clock visible to all, showing us how much time we have left on this world. It might make people nicer and kinder; it might motivate people to love stronger, to hate lighter, and to simply appreciate every moment. Your time may be up long before you are ready for it to be! So stop worrying about the lives of others, about what people think of you, about who says what to who. Start loving one thing, thats all I ask, one thing about each and every day. And love it loudly and proudly!! You can do it. Amongst the aches and pains, the bitches you work with, the careless drivers in the road, despite the boss who rides you, the corporate ladder that doesnt recognize you; the kid who doesnt appreciate you; the government who is trying to screw us all … Rise above and love something today, with bright eyes!

Peace.

Midlife crisis – woman

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As the SuperBowl grows nearer (not that I could care less who wins this year) I can’t help notice the increase in male-driven advertising during these pre-SuperBowl shows. And it makes me wonder a question probably wondered by thousands of women for thousands of years. Why do men get mid-life crisis and we get menopause? I guess I never paid much attention before because 1) I’m gay so I don’t have a male partner whose looking for a fast car, an even faster woman and a dick so hard he could use it to drill fence post holes in the four hours he has the beauty of pretending he’s young again, and 2) I was never going through menopause so ugly and thick and so fucking obvious before!! If that sounds angry….it is.

Waking up every night in soaked sheets from menopause gives sleeping in the wet spot a whole new meaning. Notice I didn’t say appreciation. Dragging ass every day because the simple act of going to work is exhausting. Not to talk about the hormone spikes that send you from a raging angry Cybil to a tear-soaked emotional crybaby in a matter of minutes.

I gotta be honest with you, mid-life crisis seems easier, certainly more fun. And more accepted. And more appreciated and in more ways celebrated! So while I love being a woman and have loved it these past 50+ years, I think maybe it wouldn’t be so bad for the next few years so or to switch places, try it on for size. You know like you’re always used to buying an American made car, and you decide to give BMW a try. I’m thinking big here people. For us middle-class Americans, okay, think Kia.

My point is I’m sick of menopause and its silent and invisible symptoms that really noone understands, unless they’re either going through them just as bad or worse. So for a year or two, yes, I admit it, I wouldn’t mind worrying if I could sustain an erection at any given time, under any given circumstance, at least I would know I’d be thinking in the right direction and hoping to get to bed by 9:00 for some other reason than to crash, hoping to wake up energized.

Men you have it easy. I envy you. I’m jealous of you. Damn, I’m admitting I want to be you. It looks so easy. I’d even learn to carry some macho attitude if it’s what I needed to do. Shit, with my luck, SHAZAM, my wish would come true but I’d wake up and be Gomer Pyle!!!! Hey….at least I’d have skippped menopause, and would’ve kept my sense of humor! And hey…. I’d still be gay, proving once and for all it’s not a choice ūüôā

Peace. Thanks for listening.

I thought the word “menopause” would be music to my ears.

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Boy was I wrong.¬† Seldom does something literally kick my ass.¬† I pride myself on being a survivor, someone who always bounces back, no matter how hard the blow.¬† And I’m typically ten steps ahead of the other guy, so anyone looking to knock me off balance had better think long and hard about whether to open that door.¬† Menopause on the other hand, and aging in general, it has caught be totally by surprise and has tilted the odds out of my favor.¬† And trust me, I am not happy about it, not one bit.

So I apologize for not keeping up with my blog and I’m disappointed that I haven’t kept true to my plan to blog every day, but I have been THINKING about blogging, so in a way, I suppose that does count?¬† Right?!¬† Just a little, maybe?¬† Truly, I have wanted to blog and there have been several things that have happened in the past few weeks that I would’ve enjoyed the forum of being able to vent and post about it in a safe format where I wouldn’t risk hurting feelings, or pissing people off, or being misunderstood.¬† But the Gods just didn’t want that, and so I gave the keyboard a rest and just internalized things.¬† And I think I did pretty good, everyone I know is still alive and well, and I’m no worse for the wear.¬†

Once I get a handle on the fatigue, I’ll be back to my old self and back to boring whoever reads these silly blogs.¬† In the mean time, wish me strength and patience and self-compassion.¬† I know people say “you’re your own worst enemy”, well I have learned to appreciate and respect that saying, and I’ve learned just how true it is.¬† Often I find myself wrapped in a never-ending circle of self pity wondering when I’ll get my body back, and when I do, will my mind still be fully in tact?¬†

Peace. 

 

Your eye sight isnt the only thing you lose at 50

I’ve always had visual problems, started wearing glasses at 5 or 6. Started hiding glasses in backpack on the way to the bus stop at age 8 or 9. The years have not been a friend to my eyes. A restaurant menu in a romantically dim lit corner table has become a juggling act of madness!! But thats not the worst of it, that “romantic” restaurant, once foreplay with a good glass of Merlot has become a sleeping pill. Noone ever told me that menoPAUSE meant Pause the sex life, my sex drive? Wth. I guess I shouldve read more, been more prepared. Or had more sex earlier on? I dont know, I just hope this isnt a permanent trend. They say when youre pregnant your sex drive increases, its like a trade-off for the other misery. Bloating fat ankles aching hanging breasts growing width. So it only seems fair the same or similar tradeoff should accompany menopause. I guess the Heavens that be see the tradeoff as no more monthly cycle or PMS, but that shit aint fair. I want my old body back! Non-emphasis on OLD. I dont know, but apparently someone hasnt watched enough Oprah, the View or the Talk. How about a show Get a Clue, then I mightve known what was coming (or not). Peace!

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AGE. It’s just a number. But a BIG one!!

Last week I turned 50.¬† It wasn’t quite as bad as the year I turned 30, and it might have gone totally ignored, had all of my siblings not traveled to Florida to celebrate.¬† While I loved their presence and reconnecting with all of them, it did make me realize that FIFTY is significant.¬† I pondered whether they had all sat around planning the trip, thinking perhaps, “it might be the last time we’re all together like this”.¬† LOL.¬† In any event, I’m sure we’ll all be around for a long time to come, but I did realize that this year should be special, and in an effort to take one small step to make the year different, I decided to blog.¬† Blogging might come easily to most, in this day of high technology, but honestly, it will be a challenge for me.¬†

So, getting back to age.¬† It’s just a number, right?¬† And I should take pride in the fact that most people have told me “you don’t look your age”.¬† Well that’s great, but what does 50 look like?¬† Certainly I’ve seen beautiful slim and sexy models and actresses who are 50 and older, who I still consider smokin’ hot.¬† Is that the new 50?¬† Let’s not kid ourselves.¬† 50 is a number, and it’s a mighty big one!¬† You can’t turn on the TV, radio, pick¬†up the daily news, or walk thru the cosmetic department of Macys without being reminded … nobody wants to age, nobody wants to look their age.¬† Concealers. Anti-Aging Cream.¬† Gravity Defying Lotion.¬† Tuck it! Nip it! Spank it!¬† God, for the first time I realize I hate big numbers!¬† Age: 50.¬† Size: 14.¬† I have been battling big numbers my whole life!!¬†¬† And Jennifer Hudson, you might believe “Cuz it Works”, but I know that really translates to “if you watch each and every little thing you consume…it works”.¬† I have a hard enough time watching everything I say, much less everything I consume.¬†

So for me.¬† I accept size 14.¬† It has varied, up and down, and over the years it has shifted from the hips to the waist to bottom, and everywhere in between, but … it remains!¬† So this year, I vow to accept it.¬† To accept me.¬† So congratulations to me and Happy 50th.¬† I’m Fifty and proud.¬† I’m Fat and proud.¬†¬† OK OK politically <auto-correct>.¬† Chunky and proud.¬† And like it or not, I’m going to be blogging for a year.¬† I hope in the coming year I compose a site worthy of followers, however often having been a girl…..a woman….who has marched¬†to the beat of her own drum – giving little credence to what’s the “right side of the fence” – if¬†my blog finds no regular¬†followers, it shall always have one very dedicated observer and participant = me.¬† Love to all.